FUDGE EATERS AND KOOL-AID DRINKERS

They say grand conspiracy theories are for nut-jobs who’ve been hard at the Kool-Aid. Your average grand conspiracy believer is stereotyped as American, bigoted, right wing and racist, very likely to be a creationist chain smoker that hangs out with Billy Bob in the back of the poolroom of Hank’s bar opposite the trailer park.

As a Brit who has lived in the United States I know full well the type. It is for that reason that it might seem even more incredible that a middle-aged, middle-class man like me, a former high-school teacher and father of two should appear to align himself with the Kool-Aid Klan. But I do assure you, there are a growing number of educated and enlightened men (for it mostly seems to be men) who have suddenly woken up to the astonishing possibility that the world is going to hell in a communist handcart and that hell is looming under the sway of a great green devil.

On November 20th 2009 a made frenzy of Internet traffic caused the greatest stir to be felt among the global community of blogosphere readers. The cause of the frenzy was an epoch-making revelation that the widely accepted theory that mankind was poisoning the planet with warming carbon dioxide emissions was probably faked. After twenty years of converting the people’s of the world into tree-hugging environmentalists this evangelical crusade. The high priests of this proselytising religion were a small band of hockey playing climatologists who shared a penchant for a particular flavour of United Nations fudge.

The fudge was so coveted it could only be consumed secretly among the initiated believers of this closed sect. Because of the rapid success of the high priests in converting eminent politicians and world leaders into worshipping their chosen god, Gaia, hubris had made them careless. And as we all know, pride comes before a fall.

Furthermore, when grand conspiracy ideologies themselves have been mainstream in various times and places (e.g. Nazi Germany), or when they’ve attained indirect mainstream influence (e.g. the “Satanic Ritual Abuse” scare of the 1980’s and early 1990’s), they’ve had extremely harmful consequences.

Thus a grand battle ensues. The fudge eaters versus the Kool-Aid drinkers. Not your run-of-the mill saturday night TV wrestling spectacle. No, sir! This bout is to the death and its a feast for the gods to behold – the purest ambrosia and nectar for a right rumble in the jungle. In the green corner the chairman of the IPCC, Dr. Rajendra Pachauri. In the blue corner is that learned sceptic number cruncher, Lord Monckton, the former advisor to the British government.

In the pre-fight face-off the baying crowd in the packed auditorium witnessed the svelte and nimble fox, Pachauri dominate the floor. The entire crowd was in his thrall as he hand-waved Kung Fu style at an imperious display of charts and graphs. Monckton scowelled silently in his chair champing at the bit. He irked those sat beside him as he could barely contain his rage. His thoughts now broadcast aloud, first in a whisper then spat venomously at his taunting foe:

“Bogus! Can you not See? The graph is bogus….made-up data….overlain by four separate trend-lines…..start-date carefully selected…..false impression that the rate of warming over the past 150 years… you’ve obscured and rescaled the trend lines…all bogus….. fakery, I say, fakery!”

The contest is set to resume in a court room to be announced. To the victor: title of heavy-weight intellect of the world and substantial cash prize. To the vanquished:5-20 years in a federal penitentiary. The stakes don’t get any higher than this, folks!

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